Pick a card, any card

By Gina Angostura
NH Mirror Staff

I fear I’ll never get carded again. And I don’t mean at a bar. That hasn’t happened to me since back in the days of sawdust floors and pewter steins.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I’m in a funk because I have a feeling I may never receive another card ever again.

I’m coming to terms with it, though. On my good days, I’m not a fan of overblown sentiment anyway. I’m allergic to flowers and candy makes me fat. And on my bad days, I just want to rewrite every Hallmark verse I see to express my feelings about the love that continues to elude me.

“To the man of my dreams:
If you’re out there, let me know/Please don’t make me blow more dough/on Yahoo, Match and eHarmony/In an ideal world/Love should be free!”

Cards never express exactly how you feel. Ever buy a nice card for someone you dislike? I did that for the last third of my marriage. They never said how I felt. I guess it’s hard to find something that rhymes with “puke.”

And just once I’d like to see a card from a guy that says, “Here is a $3 token of my esteem, not written by me, but paid for with love and my Visa card.”

Or from a woman to a man, “I got you this card to tell you how much I love you. But you’d be wise to come up with something better – and more sparkly – for me.”

And how about one from the overly aggressive suitor?
Front: “Stalking you on Valentine’s Day ...”
Inside: “I know we only had one date/But you made such an impression/That I’ll be waiting by your door/’Til my next therapy session.”

I know Valentine’s Day, like Christmas, is not a made-up holiday, per se. It has some historical significance. But the merchandise machine, as it is wont to do, has turned both those days into a huge guilt-shopping trip.
Men and women alike now think they have to spend money on cards, chocolate, even jewelry to express love.

But I’d forgo all presents forevermore in exchange for a nice guy who will talk to me on a consistent basis.

So maybe by this time next year, it’ll happen for me and all the women I know who are out there looking. I’d like to be planning a future with someone, or for at least the future I have left.

If that happens, I’ll embrace tradition one last time, and this will be the Valentine card I give to my middle-aged fiancé:

“You want to give me a big wedding/And promise a trip to Niagara/But remember, it’s me you’ll be bedding/So you’d better bring LOTS of Viagra.”

Does your misery love company? Send Gina an e-mail at singlecynic@thenhmirror.com.