Money for nothin', men for free

By Gina Angostura
NH Mirror Staff

To be solvent or not to be solvent? That is up to the people I owe money to.

Yeah, I’m suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, all right. It’s outrageous that I have no fortune. Ba dum ching!

But seriously folks, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about finances lately, mainly due to impending taxes and fuel bills I can’t pay. I truly believe I’m working just to pay for gas to drive to and from work. That’s crazy, isn’t it?

So I try to read the articles in magazines about planning for my old age and smart shopping and saving money and investing. But those stories are so dull. They make my head hurt with all their “savings accounts” and other complex financial ideas. I just can’t get into it.

I’d much rather read relationship-type stuff like “Can this marriage be saved?” (Answer: no).

“Oprah” magazine is great. She has all kinds of life-affirming pieces about finding love when you least expect it, like at the end of your life, which is looking more like when it’s going to happen for me. I’ve been buying some sexy flannel nightgowns in anticipation of the nursing home. I wonder where I can get matching shoes and colostomy bags?

And since I’ve broken all ties with Internet dating Web sites (I think I decided to log off after I got a message from a man with the screen name “psychoelf”) I thought I’d try something equally as goofy, but different.
The magazine article told the story of a woman who wrote down the 100 things she was looking for in a man, then hid the list in a safe place.

Lo and behold! One day that very man showed up. I think there were two things on the list he didn’t have, the woman said. And they were dumb things anyway, like “ability to sail” and “likes peaches.” So they got together and lived happily ever after.

I so want to do that! I mean, I write down 100 things and those 100 things show up at my door? Seems easier than having endless e-mail conversations with people who think Aerosmith rocks.

So here goes:

1. Well-developed sense of humor, meaning he thinks the same things are funny that I do.

2. Smart enough to know the difference between reality and reality TV.

3. He gets me.

4. Looks as good in jeans as he does in a little black dress (What’s good for the goose ... ).

5. Low tattoo-to-tooth ratio.

6. Likes playing “Scrabble,” but I win 60 percent of the time, on average.

7. Will play Frisbee with me and the kids.

8. Also “Guitar Hero.”

9. Romantic, but not sappy.

10. Doesn’t want to cuddle after. (I get too hot.)

Wow, this is harder than I thought. I don’t know if I have 100 things I need in a man. So I’ll skip to the end:

99. Thinks I’m cool.

100. Won’t mind helping with the fuel bill, or at least won’t mind helping keep me warm.

Now that’s something I can bank on.

Does your misery love company? Send Gina an e-mail at singlecynic@thenhmirror.com.