Faking It

What are all of these women so passionate about? By LYNN McNAMARA

I wish I were better at faking it. I don’t mean faking it like in the restaurant scene from “When Harry Met Sally,” although, that particular talent could probably come in handy, too.

But lately, every time I turn on the television or browse the bookstore, I’m accosted by accounts of people who have found their passion, discovered their reason for being, successfully peeled away the layers of their own personal onion and found their true purpose.

I’ve decided they all must be pretending. They have to be faking it. That’s the only way I can explain why everyone else seems to know their one true purpose and I, nearing 40, still haven’t a clue.

It’s not that I have no talents. I’m competent at a few things, decent even at one or two. But I lack the jump-out-of-bed, work-through-the-night, don’t-notice-I’m-hungry-
because-I’m-so-consumed-with-the-project-at-hand quality that some others seem to have.

I always notice when I’m hungry, and often stop what I am doing to have a snack even when I’m not. And I really enjoy sleeping. But I doubt being thrilled when I can squeeze in a nap rises to fulfilling my true purpose.

So I wish I could fake it. I think my casual, take-it-or-leave-it attitude makes people uncomfortable, which is understandable. It often makes me uncomfortable.

If I uncovered my passion and were bubbling over with enthusiasm over the one driving force in my life, it would all be different. When asked at dinner parties, “What have you been up to?,” I would entertain my audience with glowing accounts of how I was feeding my soul through yoga, or how I had recently uncovered the meaning of my life while making bowls in my new basement pottery studio, or that I recently found inner peace through composting and green living.

I imagine the circle of people around me, hanging on my every word and nodding in agreement. I would finally be a member of the “figured-it-all-out-club.”

Until I can pull this off, I’m left answering the question with a mumbled, “Nothing much. What have you been doing?”

So, I’m actively looking for a passion I can embrace wholeheartedly – one that seems like a logical, important enough pursuit to consistently lure me off the couch.

I’m longing to be able to say, “Oh, where did the time go? I was so busy making my own handmade paper with the flowers I grew in my organic garden that I didn’t notice I worked through dinner.”

I’ve traveled down this road before and have a closet full of craft material as a result. But after buying all the material, I often find myself thinking, “I could go to Wal-Mart and buy this card for $3, and no one will know the difference.”

And then, instead of doing this, I could watch TV. Or take a nap.

Lynn McNamara lives in Windham. This is her first piece for the NH Mirror.