Make like a tree and eat

By Gina Angostura
NH Mirror Staff

Food and I go way back. We’re best friends. We barely spend a minute apart. Food is my comforter, my therapist and my constant companion. I can’t imagine my life without it.

I know what you’re thinking: If you love food so much, why don’t you marry it?

Believe me, if I could figure out where to buy a tux to fit a cheesesteak with onions and mushrooms, I’d book the honeymoon suite at the Aruba Marriot.

So, I’m seeing a nutritionist, because apparently, I can’t be trusted to feed myself correctly. I know intellectually I’m supposed to eat veggies and lean protein, but my body has no idea why it can’t have ice cream for breakfast.

It’s like a spoiled child who needs discipline. I would give my body a time out, but it would probably just fall asleep and dream of diving naked into a vat of M&Ms (true dream).

The nutritionist is great. She’s been where I’ve been and conquered the same demons. She’s not just one of those Barbie doll types who’s never carried an extra pound in her life. I hate those types.

It’s good to talk to someone who has been on the battlefield and seen the carnage that is left behind after a Mexican buffet. Or is that carne? I always mix those up.

I wish she’d stop using all that professional jargon, though. She wants me to “count” my “calories,” and, you know, what’s the word? Oh yeah, “exercise.” She even showed me a safe, easy way to do lunges. In other words, she’s trying to trick me into doing horribly painful contortions for some diabolical reason only she knows.

Of course, she’s seen my behind from behind, so maybe I should take her advice.

But at least I’m better off than my colleague who also sees the nutritionist, as well as other specialists for allergies and such. They have ganged up on her, taking her completely off red meat, dairy and who knows what else. It probably goes without saying, but she’s finding it difficult.

What is she going to have to try next? Photosynthesis?

“OK. Here’s the deal. No meat, dairy, wheat, fat, carbs, legumes, anything that has four legs, or grows in the ground, swims in the sea or flies in the air. Just stand out in your backyard, spread your arms high, concentrate and make your own food. Don’t worry – it’s all natural!”

It would only be a matter of time before kids tied a tire swing to her arm and squirrels made a home in her hair.

So, I consider myself lucky that I can have salad with chicken and oatmeal with protein powder. And every once in a while, I get to cut loose and have low-fat cheese.

Woo hoo, party at my house!

Does your misery love company? Send Gina an e-mail at singlecynic@thenhmirror.com.